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@The Tweet Of God I'd rather die penniless in a Dickensian debtors' prison than be the nightmare human who argues over a split check…. The Onion I'm at my most gangsta when I drop a 'yeah, bitch' after someone else's threat..... " is always [email protected] Tweet Of God 3 things you never get back : A word after it's said Time after it's passed Your pen if I really like it.... @david8hughes Ha ha they made a handheld device that contains all human knowledge and now we make fun of each other for looking at it too much ... @Jobless4eyes Taught a parrot to repeatedly say "WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES? @Conrad Hackett My favorite Christmas song is the one where the two people mock The Lord and His Laws by letting a snowman marry them .. @Gerry Hall Comedy Sometimes I'll take such a good picture of someone I'm like "this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral." ...Julieanne Smolinksi (@Boobs Radley)Weird: People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Katie Kay Jennifer Lawrence's nude photos just got leaked but Obama keeps playing golf.... Ellen De Generes Every dessert is guilt-free if you're a [email protected] Amram Serena Williams just thanked Me! Claudia Red Bull tastes the way a movie theatre floor feels.... @The Talking Pipe If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating. @Daniel RCarrillo I accidentally bought Hamburger Enabler instead of Hamburger Helper and now my beef is drunk and yelling at the TV ... @Jennifer F42 When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this." ... @arr To get Comcast to actually cancel my service, I told the guy I was going to prison. " and now I don't have to talk to my kids until Spring so that's pretty cool. @Dshack8 Any magazine can be an in-flight magazine if you throw it at someone. @Longwall26 me: *turns around in swivel chair* *tents fingers* I guess you never expected to see ME again... @The Sean Brewster We get it poets: things are like other things ...Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL.... @gknauss When Manson popped the question, his fiancée tearfully replied, "Charlie... @bobharrisdotcom Only one religion is right but I won't say which one because I want you to figure it out by hating and killing each other while I watch. @The Tweet Of God I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog. @cheeseboy22 Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home. @yuckybot I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10.Saucy Kensington *Food hits floor* Little Germs: "Let's get it! We must wait 5 seconds." …@hythemafia There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator … Jim Gaffigan I scream, You scream, We all scream Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again..... @rgay I am the Sir Thomas Erpingham at Agincourt of unnecessarily obscure historical references ... @jwoodham Whoever named "cookies" was the laziest person in the world. @sween My 15-year-old son is having spicy Popeye's fried chicken with ketchup for breakfast. I don't want you to guess, I just thought you should know [email protected] Amram Cosmic Mystery: Why dogs can smell aromas from far away, yet are compelled to sniff each other’s butt at a fraction of an inch....Neil de Grasse Tyson Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.* *Foreigners need not apply...... ” - cannibals, contesting their dinner bill..One thing you never hear in the middle east: I just can't stay mad at you...It's like they don't know I plan on cropping them out later. @Lisa Oo Oo I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "eat right and exercise" fads ... @shot_of_cabo When cashiers ask me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now." ... @The Tweet Of God Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat. @Smug_Lemur If you’re as excited as I am about Taylor Swift’s new album, you are not at all excited about Taylor Swift’s new album. @The Tweet Of God Personally, I think America is ready for a woman to scale the White House fence. @Conan OBrien What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates: 1. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died" ~ Really personal trainer…

Fickle Filly Scooby Doo is the most useless member of the Scooby Doo team why is the show named after him, the show should be called "Velma"... Shut Up Mike 35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me! Molly Manglewood FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. Rob Fee I bet a tough part of medieval warfare was swinging a spiky ball on a chain and accidentally hitting yourself. Julieanne Smolinksi (@Boobs Radley) 5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Abe Yospe A dog made of diamonds would be everyone's best friend.... @Ibid78 Halloween: The day Satan introduces your child to the gateway drug to homosexuality -- costumes! @Betty Bowers Radio Shack plans to open on Thanksgiving, so holiday bargain hunters won't have to wait until Black Friday to not shop there... In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved ...various "Doctor Who Survived Ebola: 'God Saved My Life'." Yep. Stephen Colbert Now that summer is unofficially over, it's "weird adults getting way too excited for Halloween" season ... Nathan The new i Phone is so powerful, it gently asks you to put your spouse away at parties.... @Ben Casselman If you use the word "females" as a man to refer to women you are bad in bed. Jason Miller (@longwall26) The rape allegations against Bill Cosby are a classic case of he said/she she she she she she she she she she she she she she and she said. @The Tweetof God "Yes, I'm still single and underemployed, but at least I'm not MARRYING CHARLES MANSON" --women at family holiday gatherings from now on .. @theresa_lauren Hi, I'm someone on Facebook that you went to high school with. [email protected]_w I'm going to open a store called Forever 31 that sells nothing but sweatpants and wine. @theresa_lauren Winter is great because it gets dark earlier and you can get a head start on your shady activities ... @The Tweet Of God Guys everything on the Crocs website is 35 percent off.And I killed the hundreds of Africans who died of it, because screw them…. Tim Siedell (@Bad Banana) Study Finds All-Consuming Self-Pity Best Way To Win Back Ex-Partner... [email protected] Tweet Of God If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you'll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.* *only works at Home Depot.... Tim Siedell (@Bad Banana) The answer to the question "Can people really be that stupid? @Random Antics You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know. @mohitraj So voters want a higher minimum wage, legal pot, abortion access and GOP representation. @tweetingdadguy I live in fear that one day the real "World's Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug. @marcmack Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with .... So now you can rock the "I never get laid" look for less. @Isa_Chapman I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… @Dan Mentos Your email inbox is a to-do list created by other people ...Every week I offer up for reader consideration a list of the best one-liners I've found or been pointed to on Twitter.(vote in this week's poll by clicking here)Below is a list of all the lines from 2014-- I haven't counted but it's got to be more than 500.

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